Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
