12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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