he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
