And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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