i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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