Will you blow on my dice?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
She's the barista slut.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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