If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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