Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
