dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
