just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
