i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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