Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
wow bdsm is so cute
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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