He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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