and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
