I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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