I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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