i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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