what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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