I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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