you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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