its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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