Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
