i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
