Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Boobs are out for the taking
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Maybe he injected his testicle?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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