5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
