Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
