The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize