Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
