girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
