somebody snuck up and got me drunk
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
