I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
