I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
The feeling are messing with the penis
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
