zippers are such a cool invention
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
