Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
