wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
