I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
