she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
