do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
