Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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