I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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