We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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