Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
