i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
