My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
