I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize