a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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