Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
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