you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
