I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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