Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
