I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
