you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
