when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize