I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
