My friends, they love my intelligence
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
