im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Randomize
