just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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