Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
