If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
