ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Randomize
