He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
