I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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