Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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