Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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